Have you ever found yourself tangled in a web of mixed signals, undefined emotions, and unmet expectations with someone you care about? That was my journey over the past four years—one filled with twists, turns, and eventually, self-discovery and liberation.
It all began innocently, as these things often do. A chance encounter, a spark, and suddenly, I was in what I thought was the beginning of something special. Given my past, where it took over a decade to move on from my first love, I wasn’t someone who took relationships lightly. But as I got involved with this particular man, I soon realized I had stumbled into the grey area known as a “situationship”—that confusing space between friendship and a real relationship.
For a long time, I naively did not realize what it was until I randomly stumbled upon an article about it. I realized and resonated with the fact that I had been caught in a space that was neither a committed relationship nor a casual fling, but something in between, where emotions ran high, yet clarity was absent. We weren't on the same page, yet I kept holding on, hoping things would eventually fall into place.
The days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and yet, the status of our connection remained as hazy as ever. One moment, there were heartfelt conversations and shared laughter that made me believe we were on the same page. The next, there were long stretches of silence and unanswered messages that left me questioning everything.
After a series of heart-to-heart conversations with myself (and a few trusted friends), I finally mustered the courage to confront the ambiguity head-on. It was time to define what I truly wanted and deserved in a relationship. I realized that I was settling for morsels of affection when I deserved nothing short of a feast of love and respect. But despite all the inner conflicts I was experiencing, with my heart racing and palms sweating, I finally spoke my truth and told him how I felt. I expressed my desires, laid bare my vulnerabilities, and made it clear that I yearned for more than what the situationship had to offer. Though the outcome was uncertain, the weight off my chest was palpable.
And guess what I received in return................... Silence
Pin. Drop. Silence.
Not a "Yes". Not a "No". Not even a "I hear ya" nor a nod of the head. Just Silence.
Or later on.....the silence transitioned to a deflection.
This pattern went on for almost 4 years. Y'all must be wondering why did I even let it go on for as long as I did. The answer is I don't know.
All I remember feeling ....and asking myself time and again "Is this a joke?"....."Is this for real?"
What was with all the words and feelings he shared that first week? Did that even mean anything ? How did I miss this ? How did I get this all wrong? How did I choose the wrong guy?
Over the course of 4 years I couldn't even recognize myself any more. During this time my anxiety got triggered. My mom became terminally ill. My family was facing various challenges and I found myself racing at life both in my head and heart with no help and support, even though he sensed and knew that I was sad and miserable. He knew I was mad more than half the time because of his lack of concern and yet, the pretense he put up of not knowing "why" I was mad was remarkable. The less he cared to ask of me, check in on me, the more angry I was at myself.....and at him...for choosing the wrong person. And one day.....just like that..... almost like an epiphany earlier this year, I realized that I will never be enough for him. No matter what I did. No matter how unconditional my feelings were towards him, I was always going to receive mere breadcrumbs of affection, both in his time and in his effort. I would always only be a "choice" for him.....a second-rated choice between golf and me, a second-rated choice between work and me.....a second rated choice in everything that was priority in his life, but me. I knew that I couldn't continue to tip-toe around this man's triggers any more. I had to physically leave the environment that this "situationship" put us in together and made it hard to avoid each other. I had to leave and establish absolute "no-contact" to preserve whatever sanity I had left inside of me.
The fact that he was an introvert and always guarded did not make it easier at all. For that matter, I am too an introvert and guarded, just like my parents. But the one thing I knew from watching my parents over the years was that choosing to love someone every day is a conscious choice .....a choice to open up and let your guard down, a choice to share your innermost thoughts and feelings, a choice to invite that person to witness your vulnerabilities and trust they wont judge you, a choice to share your burdens (both physical and mental) and still love you regardless...... a choice my parents made every day for each other for 48 blessed years together. And I wanted that. Like a silly girl, I secretly thought of a future with him. One where were dancing in an empty room, with the sun light brightening our eyes. I always imagined his wonderous smile and soft eyes. A future where I woke up and saw him next to me. Laughing at the simplest things. Living the simplest life. I found myself choosing him every day for 4 years with all these thoughts in my head, until I realized that I was never his choice nor priority to begin with. Until my heart got shattered into a million pieces and crumbs......pieces and crumbs that will take a while to put back together.
Trust me, there were good moments between us—those fleeting glimpses of connection that made me think maybe, just maybe, this could work out. But in reality, the situationship left me constantly guessing, doubting, and overthinking. It was emotionally draining, a cycle of uncertainty that clouded my sense of self-worth. The confusion became exhausting. It was clear he was content with the ambiguity, but I realized I wasn’t.
As I gathered my thoughts and prepared for the pivotal moment, a sense of empowerment washed over me. The fear of rocking the boat or losing a familiar connection was overshadowed by the prospect of reclaiming my worth and setting myself free from emotional limbo.
I promise you....leaving wasn’t easy. It took a lot of internal reflection and conversations with myself about what I deserved. I remember one pivotal moment when I asked myself, "Am I holding onto this for the potential or for what it truly is?" The answer was hard to face, but necessary. I was stuck in a cycle of hoping he'd eventually choose me, when I should have been choosing myself all along.
As the dust settled and the echoes of my confession time and again with no response lingered in the air, I found solace in the realization that I had chosen myself. I embraced the journey of self-love and self-discovery, knowing that the path ahead might be uncertain but was undoubtedly worth traversing.
A New Beginning
Breaking free from the situationship was both liberating and empowering. I realized I had been settling for less than I deserved. The experience taught me the value of clear boundaries, communication, and the importance of being with someone who is just as invested as you are. No more guessing games or hoping for change. I reclaimed my time, my energy, and my heart. In the end, stepping away from this man wasn’t just about leaving him behind—it was about rediscovering myself and what I truly deserve in love. With the lessons learned, wounds healed but the scars still in place, I stepped forward into the unknown, head held high and heart open to new possibilities. Breaking free from the entanglements of a situationship was not just a declaration of independence; it was a reaffirmation of my worth and a promise to never settle for anything less than genuine love and respect.
If you find yourself trapped in a similar emotional labyrinth, remember that you hold the key to your own liberation. Trust your instincts, honor your heart, and never be afraid to break free from anything that dims your light. Remember, the road to clarity may be lined with uncertainties, but the destination of self-love is more than worth the journey.
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