I'm hurting, that much is true. Something inside of me is broken right now. I know how intensely I feel and so it would be laughable for me to pretend that parts of my soul aren’t crumbling right now. And yet with all these feelings, with tears streaming down my eyes, with the ache clamming up in the bottomless pits of my stomach and heart, I somehow know this – I AM going to be okay. There is something within me that can take the gut-wrenching pain and turn it into magnificence.
I know that time is going to be both my sworn enemy and my best friend, as it has always been. It will be my enemy because it’s going to crawl. F*** that, it’s going to slither. Whoever said that "life is short" clearly hasn’t been heartbroken before because, shit, one minute really does feel like a year and I’m sorry to say that there’s not much I can do about it other than sit and wait for it to pass. Eventually, the day will come where my bones no longer ache and my skin no longer itches. That is the day that 'MY sun' will rise and everything will become bright again.
Time is the best healer. It’s a cliché for a reason.
Right now, throwing myself into life is the first step to recovering and healing my kindred spirit. Praying and focusing on my faith. Meeting, talking and hugging my girl tribe when I need those tight hugs, enjoying the finer and small things of life, taking in that morning air and energy from the sun, the funny and not-so-funny banter with my coworkers.....all of this keeps me going. And when I find myself not being able to do that, then I walk and if I can’t walk, then I just crawl. No matter what, I can’t look back, because I have to keep moving forward.
I know this heartbreak was going to hurt me. however, this broken heart will NOT kill me. I am going to recover and get over this, whether I like it or not, I have to refuse to let this break me.
Having contact will only make things worse. So I cut it.....cut it right now. I know that I want closure but, who am I kidding? I already know the answers to my questions; however, my curiosity is just an excuse for conversation. That is not healthy. I am the only person that needs to be important to ME right now. Healing myself is going to take all of my energy up, energy that is worthwhile when spent on caring for myself rather than wasted when spent on scratching at an open wound. That’s not what’s going on here. This isn’t a game; this is ME, patching myself up.
What do I know? I know that some mornings are the worst part of my day whilst the evening is the good part. Those mornings are the worst because it hits me that he’s really gone; I feel like I got stabbed in the heart. Then I spend the day recovering from the initial blow until eventually, evening falls with darkness cascading over my world with the reality hitting that I’ve survived yet another day. The next thing I know is that with each morning, the pain slowly diminishes.
While this happens, I can't forget who I am. There is a fire in my heart and iron in my veins. I am unbreakable. He does not have the power to burn my body to ash and my soul to smoke, I am doing that to myself. I was never meant to keep fueling his fire. So i will stop letting him burn me.
No matter what I'm feeling about this person and what I had, logically I need to know that something wasn’t right which is why it’s come to an end. That is no reflection on me as a person, it does not make me insignificant or unworthy. It is okay for me to not be right for a person and honestly, I am so glad that I am no longer wasting my precious time on someone that isn’t right for me. I know that this is going to hurt, dammit, it may be the worst pain that I’ve felt in a while, yet I'm going to flourish from this. Anything else is not an option. This is life, we fall down and maybe we get trodden on whilst we’re on the floor but then we get the hell up. We can’t stay down forever. We can’t let this break us, that’s not an option I’ve ever taken and it certainly isn’t an option right now. I won’t let it happen.
So, I will cry. i will scream. I will hibernate for a week. I will do whatever it takes to get this shit storm of emotions out for, if something hurts my heart then I have to feel it. I have to feel it so that I can let it go. Let it go and move on.
Comments